


Sam's Transcendental Adventure

by Draycevixen



Category: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Anthropomorphism - Freefom, Community: martianholiday, Crack, Other, Timey-Wimey, man/machine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-30
Updated: 2011-03-30
Packaged: 2017-10-17 09:29:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/175381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draycevixen/pseuds/Draycevixen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for Mikes_grrl, for the Armed Bastards Holiday Exchange.</p><p>Her prompt was: Sam/inanimate, please, I loves the wankage. "There was no road map, much less a road, but Sam was going there anyway."</p><p><b>This story really plays off my <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/series/3610">Autogenesis series</a></b></p><p>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sam's Transcendental Adventure

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mikes_grrl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikes_grrl/gifts).



.

If Sam didn't know any better, he'd have sworn he was being stalked by a phone box.

He'd first seen it when he'd stepped into the alley behind the pub. It was gleaming in the moonlight and he had gone to investigate. As he’d got closer he’d realized there wasn't actually anything there and had put it down to a trick of the light... or possibly the multiple pints he'd already consumed at Gene's insistence, something about “dislodging the stick up his arse.” Sam had come close to blurting out what he'd have preferred to have up his arse, but luckily his self-preservation instincts had kicked in at the last moment.

The next day, he'd been crossing the street when he'd glanced up an alley between two shops and seen it again. As he'd stared at it, it had seemed to emit a pulsing light. He'd looked away, blinked a few times and when he'd looked back it had been gone.

As the day had progressed, it had appeared several times in his peripheral vision, disappearing the moment he'd tried to look directly at it. He'd even seen its reflection in the mirrors in the Gents at the station, but it hadn't been there when he'd turned around.

Severely rattled, he'd stumbled off to the canteen for a soothing cuppa where he'd joined Annie at one of the tables.

“What's wrong now, Sam?”

“What d'you mean, _now_?”

“You're green around the gills and clutching your tea cup with both hands like it's a life raft.”

“...I think I'm being followed by a phone box.”

“What, you mean like the Tardis?” Annie pursed her lips. “You're not going on about being from a different time again are you?”

“No, Annie. Not the _Tardis_. More like one of those American ones that Superman uses when he needs to change his underwear.”

“Well, naturally you meant one like that. Lots of those about in Manchester, Sam.”

“I know it sounds stupid... I must be imagining things.” Sam drank the rest of his tea. “I just need to get some sleep.”

Sam had been headed out toward the canteen doors when Chris had come barrelling through them.

“The Guv wants you down in _Lost and Found_ , Boss. They brought in a pair of suspicious acting blokes and he thinks they might be involved in drugs.”

“There you are Tyler, about bloody time.”

Sam stood frozen in shock in the door way of _Lost and Found_ , staring opened mouthed at the two teenage boys sat across the table from Gene.

“Tyler? What's bloody wrong with you now? Your knickers riding up?”

“Nothing, Guv, I...” Sam walked forward and took the chair next to Gene.

“These two layabouts claim to be—”

“Bill S. Preston, Esq and Theodore Logan” Sam mumbled.

“Whoah, how did you know that, dude?”

“Shut it.” Gene stared the dark haired boy down. “ _I’ve_ never heard of you and that's what counts here.” Gene took another drag on his cigarette. “So, you know them, Tyler?”

“Not exactly, Guv. I know _of_ them.”

“Just for once could you make sense, Tyler?”

“They're famous, in a manner of speaking.”

“So speak.”

“They're charac— they're rock musicians, in a band called _Wyld Stallyns.”_

“Never heard of them.”

“There's a surprise, they wouldn't exactly share the same bill with Roger Whitaker.”

“Told you, it's mainly the Missus who likes him.”

“Who's Roger Whitaker, dude?”

The blond boy asked as he slumped against the table top. Gene slammed his hand down on the table causing him to sit bolt upright.

“So lads.” Sam spoke up before Gene could get really get started on them, looking backward and forward between Bill and Ted. “What brings you to Manchester?”

“We're looking for Napoleon. We thought this was London.”

“What kind of drugs are you doing?” Gene interjected.

“What kind you got?” Bill asked.

Gene started to get to his feet and Sam pulled him back down by his arm.

“Give over Guv, they’re not drug dealers.”

“How d'you know that, Tyler?”

“I've seen the fil— I've seen them before.”

“Right. So you think it's sane for them to be wandering about looking for Napoleon.”

“Or Sigmund Freud,” Ted added, hopefully.

 _Wonder if one of the nurses is watching the film in my hospital room, it'd explain a lot._ “Why did you think this was a good place to look for Napoleon and Freud?”

“We're not as dumb as we look.” Ted looked smug as he crossed his arms. “Where else would you look for Englanders than in England?”

“Where else indeed?”

Sam turned to look at Gene. “C'mon Guv, let them go. They're cretins, but they're not drug dealers.”

“We're not cretins, we're Americans,” Bill said proudly.

Sam decided to ignore that one. “If you didn't find any drugs on them you have to let them go.”

“All right Tyler, but if they cause any trouble on my patch on your head be it.”

“Fair enough, Guv.”

Sam took pity on them and took them to canteen where he bought them lunch. They got into Gwen's good graces by complimenting her custard along with a chastising from Annie for calling her a “righteous babe” although she was blushing and grinning as she did it. Outside the station he told them to come back if they needed any help, never expecting to see them again. The nurse would change the channel on the television or the doctor would try some new drugs and that would take care of it.

When he'd opened the door to his flat later that night after coming in from a few pints at the pub, he'd still been thinking of Phyllis's parting words. She'd evidently noticed him mooning over Gene despite Sam's best efforts to hide it, but then not much made it past Phyllis.

“Hunt would kill you just for thinking about it. You should ask Annie out, you could do a lot worse.”

That's why he'd been surprised to find the phone box right in the middle of his flat. He'd pulled the door of his flat closed quickly then opened it again slowly. No, it was still there. He walked hesitantly in to the room, closing the door behind him. That's when it finally dawned on him why it was so out of place. It wasn't just a phone box it was Bill and Ted's time machine. What he still couldn't work out was exactly why it was sitting in the middle of his living room. The first thing he did was search what little of his flat he couldn't see from where he was standing. That basically meant he checked the bathroom and looked under his bed. He was alone with the time machine. _Time machine._ Perhaps this was the way to get back home. _Confucius says that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step._ He really didn't know how to start the journey and, what's more, he knew he had to be at least a little bit drunk if he was quoting Confucius. He looked around the bedsit. What did he have to lose? There was no road map, much less a road, but Sam was going there anyway.

As he stepped closer to the phone box it started emitting a strange orange glow and the doors folded back. The phone started ringing and for a moment he hesitated before stepping cautiously inside. The doors closed behind him and as he pounded on them with his fists the walls started vibrating. As he backed away, the metal phone cord snaked out and whipped tightly around his hips, the handset positioning itself to rub against his crotch. As it picked up its pace, the phone book flipped forward to rub against his arse. He had one last conscious thought as the lights grew brighter and the walls closed in around him: _Why is it never a person who is horny for me?_

Sam woke up still inside the phone box with the now seemingly inevitable wet patch on the front of his jeans. As he looked through the glass walls he realized he was in the alley behind the pub. This time the doors opened under his hands and he thought he heard a purring noise.

“You found it dude, excellent!”

Sam looked up to find Bill and Ted walking toward him in the midst of what looked like the dregs of a fancy dress party. When Freud started to ask him a question, Sam waved him off.

“Don't ask Mr. Freud. Your theories are screwed up enough as it is.” He turned to Bill and Ted. “Just get them all out of here. Now.”

As Sam started to walk away down the alley he heard Ted yell “Bogus” and turned to look. The phone box was only a couple of inches behind him. He took a few more steps and turned around again only to find it still two inches behind him.

“I think it likes you, dude.”

“No way.”

“Yes, way.”

As Sam stood there rubbing at his temples, remembering fondly the days when the Test Card Girl had been his biggest nightmare, he heard a horn blow and turned to see Tina driving fast up the alley toward them. Sam, Bill, Ted, Freud, Napoleon and the others scattered. Tina threw her brakes on a foot away from the phone box and flashed her headlights off and on in an intricate pattern. The phone box pulsed colour in response. Tina responded and this time added a cacophony of engine noises. The phone box pulsed a further response. Tina started revving her engine, smoke rising from her wheels. The phone box promptly moved six feet further back down the alley and its lights went out.

“You better get out of here now lads, before the box changes its mind.”

Sam turned his back on them and started walking towards Tina as her passenger door swung open to welcome him. _I could do a lot worse._ Sam quickened his pace.

 

.


End file.
